Panic in the Spotlight: Understanding PDA and Demand Avoidance
When I was young, I played the violin. I spent hours practicing, rehearsing with my orchestra, and letting my emotions work themselves out through music.
A few times each year, I performed. Before stepping onto the stage, I felt excited: my heart raced, my fingertips tingled, and butterflies gathered in my stomach. While the stage was dark, I felt ready. This was the moment I had practiced for.
Then the lights came up.
Suddenly, the stage was bright and hot. Looking out at the audience, I could see nothing but blinding light. My cheeks flushed. Anxiety, doubt, and fear rushed in. The love of the music, the hours of rehearsal, and the anticipation I had felt moments earlier dissolved.
What am I doing? I would think. Do I even remember how to play?
That feeling—of suddenly losing access to something you know how to do, something you may even love—helps me understand what many of my clients with a PDA profile describe when they encounter demands, direct questions, instructions, or circumstances that leave them feeling powerless.
Many of us know the moment when pressure rises, our hearts race, our minds go blank, and an ordinary task suddenly feels impossible. “Do I even remember how to play?”
Understanding PDA
PDA— often called Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy— is commonly understood as a profile associated with neurodivergence (Autism & ADHD) characterized by an intense, anxiety-linked resistance to everyday demands.
It is not a standalone clinical diagnosis in the DSM and ICD, and there is ongoing debate about the term and how it should be understood. Still, many people find the PDA framework useful because it captures a particular experience: demands can feel threatening even when they are reasonable, necessary, wanted, or self-chosen.
“Demands” Include:
A direct request, question, reminder, or expectation
A routine task, such as getting dressed, eating, showering, or using the bathroom
A transition, deadline, appointment, or social obligation
An implied expectation, such as noticing that everyone else has started working
An internal expectation, such as sleep, toileting, or eating
An activity the person genuinely enjoys, once it begins to feel required or evaluated
Avoidance can look like:
Refusal, arguing, bargaining, or “I can’t”
Distraction, humor, changing the subject, or negotiating
Withdrawal, freezing, shutting down, or becoming unable to speak
Escaping, procrastinating, or becoming suddenly absorbed in something else
Intense distress, panic, meltdowns, or lashing out
For someone with a PDA profile, the shift from I want to do this to I have to do this can be enough to trigger a powerful stress response. One may still care deeply about the task, have the skill, motivation, and intention to complete it. But, in the moment, access to those capacities can feel blocked.
Contrary to the difficulties associated with familiarity and expectation, people with a PDA profile may sometimes be drawn to novelty - finding familiar activities increasingly difficult once those activities feel expected.
A new class, a first day of school, an unfamiliar social event, or a spontaneous plan can feel open and flexible with fewer established expectations and less pressure to perform.
A child may eagerly try a new art class but resist returning the following week. An adult may feel energized by a new project but become stuck once deadlines, evaluation, or others’ expectations enter the picture.
The difficulty is not necessarily the activity itself. Often, it is the pressure, perceived loss of control, or expectation attached to it.
Differentiating Demand Avoidance & Defiance
It can be tempting to interpret demand avoidance as oppositional behavior, manipulation, or defiance, however, these common misconceptions bypass the internal experience of PDA entirely.
For many PDAers, avoidance is not consciously chosen. It may arrive alongside confusion, shame, panic, or frustration: Why can’t I just do this? Why am I making this so hard? Sally Cat, (a PDA adult, author, and artist) describes PDA as “avoidance not consciously chosen and often not fully understood even by the person experiencing it.”
Avoidance should be understood as an attempt to manage an overwhelming distress — not as evidence that one does not care.
Supporting PDA
PDA reminds us that the world is full of expectations, demands, and unspoken hierarchies—pressures that can feel as anxiety-producing for a corporate sales manager as for a second grader sitting in math class.
When someone is frozen in the spotlight, suddenly unable to access what they know or do what is being asked of them, support may mean reducing pressure and noticing when enough safety has returned to make it possible to do the hard thing.
For just a moment, let’s imagine a world where regulation and connection are more important than compliance and productivity—where we respond to distress not by turning up the lights, but by helping make the stage feel safe enough to play.
For resources on PDA please visit:
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